SIMON
No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear
words like anybody else.

KAYLEE
Oh, really? See, I never heard you. So when
is it you do all of this cussin'? After I
go to bed, or...

SIMON
I swear when it's appropriate.

KAYLEE
Simon, the whole point of swearing
is that it ain't appropriate.

INARA
(chuckles)
Lets hope so. See you two tomorrow. Don't let Mal
get you into too much trouble while I'm gone.

KAYLEE
Bye, now. Have good sex.

KAYLEE
Now, this would be the perfect time
for a swear word.

SIMON
What...happened in here?

JAYNE
Needed to find some tape.

SIMON
So you had to tear my infirmary apart?

JAYNE
Apparently.

SIMON
My god -- you're like a trained ape.
Without the training.

JAYNE
Yep. That you did.

MAL
Canton don't allow guns in their town

JAYNE
Yes sir. That's why I ain't strapping one to my hip.

MAL
No. That's why you ain't strapping
one anywhere.

JAYNE
Oh, listen, Mal -- I was in Canton a few
years back, I might have made me a few
enemies thereabouts.

SIMON
Enemies? You? No, how can it be?

JAYNE
I just don't like the idea of us going
in there empty-handed is all.

MAL
Why are you still arguing what's been decided?

INARA
Thanks, Wash. Disengaging in three,
two, one.

MAL
That's what makes it such a great drop point.
No one comes here that doesn't have to.

WASH
I vote we do this job really, really fast.

MAL
Kessler's our man. He's holding the goods
we're to deliver. We go in, make contact.
Easy peasy. Zoe, you're holding down the
fort. Call ahead to Bernoulli, let him
know we'll have his merchandise end of the week.

WASH
Don't I usually stay with the ship?

ZOE
I outrank you.
(kisses WASH)
Have fun.

SIMON
So, this is a place where they...
they make mud.

KAYLEE
Yep. Clay really. You'd be surprised how
many things it ends up in. Serenity's got
more than a few ceramic parts in her.

SIMON
Really?

KAYLEE
Yeah.

SIMON
Huh.

KAYLEE
Captain, don't you think Simon should
come with us?

SIMON
What? Oh, Kaylee, I don't--I don't
think that...

BOOK
You go on, boy. See the sights. I can
watch over your sister. I believe we've
been developing a rapport.

SIMON
I--I don't know, River can be...

BOOK
Go on. I'm a Shepherd, after all. I should
be able to keep my eye on a flock of one.

MAL
I'm not going that far, Doctor, and you
might maybe make yourself useful.

JAYNE
Come again?

SIMON
All right. Fine. I'll go. Just stop describing me.

MAL
(salutes)
You're the boss, boss.

JAYNE
He's the boss now? Day keeps getting better and better.

SIMON
Yes. Yes, I, I'm looking. To buy some mud.

FOREMAN
Well, then.
(chuckles)
Come to the right place!

SIMON
Savings? Uh, excellent. That's, uh, because,
as I -- as I said before, I'm going to, um, I'm
going to be needing quite a bit of it. I,
uh, I-I'm a buyer.

FOREMAN
Yup, best of its kind. Uh, we mix it, we brick
it raw, right here on the premises. Uh, you add
the right catalyst, you kiln it proper, this stuff's
ten times stronger than steel at half the weight.

SIMON
Yes. Uh, I - I've heard, uh, great things,
about the mud

WASH
(to Kaylee)
What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical
master of disguise?

KAYLEE
He's learning.

MAL
Excuse me, boss? I'm sure the foreman has
things need attending. Why don't we wander
a bit, take a look at the operation, then you
can figure on whether we get an account here.

SIMON
Yes? Yes. Yes, we'll, uh, we'll wander a bit.

FOREMAN
Fair enough. Come and see me when you're through.

JAYNE
Boy's going to get us killed. Let's just
do this deal and get.

MAL
His disguise ain't half as funny as yours.
Who're you supposed to be, anyway?

WASH
You haven't been here in years, Jayne.
You really think you need that getup?
No one's going to remember you.

MAL
I think it's possible they might.

JAYNE
Yeah?

MAL
You want to tell me how come there's a statue
of you here looking at me like I owe him
something?

JAYNE
Wishing I could, Captain.

MAL
No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me?

JAYNE
Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was
here a few years back, like I said. Pulled
a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from
the magistrate up on the hill. But things
went way South. I had to hightail it.
They don't...put you on a pedestal in town
square for that.

MAL
Yeah, except I'm looking at some fair
compelling evidence says they do.

SIMON
This must be what going mad feels like.

WASH
I think they captured him, though - you
know...captured his essence.

KAYLEE
Looks sort of angry, don't he?

WASH
That's kinda what I meant.

JAYNE
Oh hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging
around playing art critic till I get pinched by
the Man, how's about we move away from this
eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our
increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?

MAL
I don't know. This here's a spectacle might
warrant a moment's consideration.

KAYLEE
Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me.

JAYNE
Come on, gorram it. We got a job. Let's go
do it, get the hell out of here. I crossed
the magistrate of this company town, understand?
He ain't exactly a forgiving sort of guy.

HIGGINS
You may, but I only make the people I own use
my title. "Mister Higgins" will do fine.
(kisses her hand)

INARA
And you can call me Inara, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS
It's a rare pleasure, your visit to my
little moon. Journey wasn't too taxing?

INARA
Not at all. I'm refreshed and ready.
Shall we begin at, say, 7:30?

HIGGINS
Perfect. I have a feeling it will take all
your arts to deal with this particular problem.

INARA
Every problem, Mr. Higgins, is an
opportunity in disguise.

RIVER
Fixing your Bible.

BOOK
I, um, what?

RIVER
Bible's broken. Contradictions, false
logistics - doesn't make sense.

RIVER
So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution
theory with God's creation of Eden. 11 inherent
metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven.
Important number. Prime number. One goes into
the house of 11 11 times, but always comes out
one. Noah's ark is a problem.

BOOK
Really?

RIVER
We'll have to call it "early quantum state
phenomenon." Only way to fit 5000 species
of mammal on the same boat.
(rips out page)

BOOK
Give me that. River, you don't...fix the Bible.

RIVER
It's broken. Doesn't make sense.

BOOK
It's not about making sense. It's about believing
in something and letting that belief be real enough
to change your life. It's about faith. You don't
fix faith, River. It fixes you.
(tries to take Bible pages from
River; fails)
You hang on to those, now.

MAL
Won't argue with that.

JAYNE
Mm-hmm. They call it "Mudder's milk."
(WASH gags)
All the protein, vitamins, and carbs of
your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus
15% alcohol.

WASH
It's horrific.

SIMON
Well, it worked for the Egyptians.

JAYNE
What's that?

SIMON
The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was.
Not so different from the ancestral form of beer
they fed the slaves to build their pyramids.
It's liquid bread. Kept them from starving and
knocked them out at night so they wouldn't be
inclined to insurrection.

KAYLEE
Wow, Simon. That was so...historical.

MAL
(spots Well-Dressed Man;
to himself)
What's a gussied-up fellow like you
doing in a place like this?

JAYNE
(to staring boy)
Shake your head, boy. Your eyes are stuck. Git!

MAL
Just having a brew

WELL-DRESSED MAN
I knew a Kessler.

MAL
"Knew?"

WELL-DRESSED MAN
He was a good middleman. Low profile. Didn't filch.
Last week, the factory foreman and his prod crew
heard he was moving contraband through town.
Gave him a peck of trouble for it.

MAL
What kind of peck was that?

WELL-DRESSED MAN
The kind where they hacked off his hands and feet with
a machete, rolled him into the bog.

WASH
They peck pretty hard around here.

MAL
Listen, my client offworld is waiting for his
delivery. If the goods are gone...

WELL-DRESSED MAN
Not to worry. Your man's merchandise is here, safe
in Kessler's hiding place. We just got to figure
out how to get it across town without being seen
by the foreman and his prods. I advise we all
just lay low for a moment.

BUSKER
Jayne \ The man we call Jayne \ He robbed
from the rich and he gave to the poor \
Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for \
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain \
The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne \
Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking \
He saw the Mudders lament \ And he saw the
magistrate taking \ Every dollar and leaving
five cents \ So he said, "You can't do that
to my people" \ He said...
(singing continues)

MAL
(over singing)
Um...Jayne?

JAYNE
Yeah, Mal?

MAL
You got any light you'd like to shed on
this development?

JAYNE
No, Mal.

SIMON
No. This must be what going mad feels like.

BUSKER
Now here is what separates heroes \ From
common folk like you and I \ The man they
call Jayne \ He turned 'round his plane \
And let that money hit the sky

JAYNE
Ohhh, I'll be gorrammed. That's where that
cash went. I stole that money from Higgins
just like the song says, lifted me one of
his hovercraft. But I got tagged by
anti-aircraft, started losing altitude.
Had dump them strongboxes to stay airborne.
Oh...60,000, untraceable. And I drop it right
square in the middle of mud-farmer central.

WASH
We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!

MUDDERS
(singing)
The man they call Jayne!

BOOK
In here, River

RIVER
I'm...I tore these out of your symbol and
they turned into paper. But I want to
put them back, so...

ZOE
Preacher, what the hell did you sic on...
(sees him)
Woah! Oh.

MAL
I'd say that's a reasonable request,
considering the circumstances.

JAYNE
Ruttin' mudders.

BARTENDER
Hero of Canton won't be drinking that
[chou ma niao - "stinking horse piss"].
He drinks the best whiskey in the house!

MAL
Not generally, no.

WELL-DRESSED MAN
Listen, friend. I came here to make sure a deal
went down solid, not to get chopped up by the
Canton prod crew and fed to the bog.

MAL
I understand your concerns, friend.
This here's all part of our new plan.

MAL
Still working the details.

INARA
Hello, Fess. Mr. Higgins, this shuttle
is a place of union. I'm sure you can
appreciate...

HIGGINS
What is this? I brought you here to bed
my son, not throw him a tea party.

INARA
Sir, the Companion Greeting Ceremony is a
ritual with centuries of tradition...

HIGGINS
My son is 26 years old and he ain't yet a
man. Twenty-six. And since he can't find
a willin' woman himself...

INARA
Mr. Higgins, you're not allowed here.

HIGGINS
What?

INARA
As I've said, this room is a consecrated
place of union. Only your son belongs here.

HIGGINS
Well, I'm...

INARA
Now, why don't you go on, and let us
begin our work.

HIGGINS
Now listen here, young lady...

INARA
Good night, Mr. Higgins.

JAYNE
To me!

MUDDERS
To the Mudders!

KAYLEE
Hamsters is nice.

SIMON
To Jayne! The box-dropping,
man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

KAYLEE
(laughs)
You are pretty funny.

SIMON
And you're pretty....pretty.

KAYLEE
What did you just say?

SIMON
I just said that you're pretty. Even when
you're covered in...engine grease, you're...
No, especially, especially when you're
covered in engine grease.

KAYLEE
Now, Captain? Things are going so well.

MAL
I suppose. Jayne's certainly feeling better
about life, but...

KAYLEE
I said, things are going well.
(meaningful look)

MAL
Oh, "well."
(looks at SIMON)
Well, I tell you what. Jayne is stuck here with
his adoring masses - why don't you and Simon hang
around and keep an eye on him for me.

BOOK
River? Why don't you come out?

RIVER
No! I can't. Too much hair.

ZOE
Hell, yes, Preacher. If I didn't have stuff
to get done, I'd be in there with her.

BOOK
It's the rules of my order. Like the book. It symbolizes...

ZOE
Uh huh. River, honey? He's putting the
hair away now.

RIVER
It'll still be there....waiting.

ZOE
Where you guys been? Mal, Bernoulli's chomping
at the bit. Says he wants his merchandise
yesterday.

MAL
Yeah, well, we still got a few wrinkles to
work out on the deal.

WASH
Did you know that Jayne is a bona fide
folk hero? Got a song and everything.

ZOE
What? You been drinking, husband.

MAL
That he has. Don't make it any less the case.

ZOE
You telling me that Jayne...

MAL
It's true. True enough -- We can use it, anyway.
We talked a few pillars of the Mudder community
into having a little Jayne Day celebration in
town square tomorrow.

ZOE
(to Wash)
You're really going to have to start again.
Jayne's a what?

INARA
Your father's not right, Fess. It's not
embarrassing to be virgin. It's simply one
state of being. As far as bringing me here,
Companions choose the people they're to be
with very carefully. For example, if your
father had asked me to come here for him,
I wouldn't have.

FESS
Really?

INARA
Really, Fess. You're different from him.
The more you accept that, the stronger
you'll become.

MUDDER MAN
He did. And it pained him, that's for dead sure.
When he found out, he sent his prods in to take
it back from us, but the workers resisted.

JAYNE
Fought the law, huh?

MUDDER MAN
If the Mudders are together on a thing, there's
too many of us to be put down. So in the end,
he just called it a bonus.

JAYNE
That's one hell of a bonus.

MUDDER MAN
And then, when we put that statue of you in town
square, he rolled in, wanted to tear it down.
But the whole town rioted.

JAYNE
You guys had a riot? On account of me?
A real riot?

MUDDER MAN
I can't believe you're back.

JAYNE
How could I stay away?

HIGGINS
My son's out there I pray to God losing
his cherry.

FOREMAN
There's a problem in worker-town, sir.
Jayne Cobb's come back.

STITCH
(inside dark cell)
What do you want with me?

HIGGINS
Nothing. Done your time, you paid your debt.
It's time you were on your way.

STITCH
You keep me in that box four years, you give
me a loaded gun?

HIGGINS
You got the urge to use it, no doubt. But I'm
not the one who brought you in on that robbery.
I'm not the one who partnered up with you and
then turned on you when his plan went South.
How high up was that Shuttle when he pushed
you out? 30 feet? Jayne Cobb cost you four
years of your life plus a perfectly good eyeball.
But here's the poetical portion - he's back in town.
This very day. Best of luck in your new life.

SIMON
Hey...Mal, uh, Mal... No, nuh-nuh-nothing
happened. No, there was, uh, there was some
drinking, but, uh, we, no we certainly didn't.
No, I would never ! Not with Kaylee...

KAYLEE
What do you mean, Not with me?

MAL
Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?

MAL
No, the living legend needs to come with us.
He's got a little appearance to make.

JAYNE
He does?

MAL
That's right This job here's gone way past long enough.

JAYNE
Yeah, all right.
(To woman)
Well, you go on now, I've got me important
hero-type stuff to do.

SIMON
I'm going with you.

KAYLEE
Mmm, I don't think so. No, maybe you ought
to stay here. It's about the time for a
civilized person to have his breakfast. That's
the sort of thing would be appropriate, don't
you think?

BARTENDER
A what?

FESS
I'm sorry. I just...I just thought I'd feel...
different...after. Aren't I supposed to be
a man now?

INARA
A man is just a boy who's old enough to ask
that question. Our time together....It's a
ritual, a symbol. It means something to your
father. I hope it was not entirely forgettable
for you.

FESS
No, it was..

INARA
But it doesn't make you a man. You do
that yourself.

JAYNE
I don't know. You think we should be using my
fame to hoodwink folks?

MAL
You better laugh when you say that.

JAYNE
No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there's something
to this. The Mudders? I think I really made
a difference in their lives. You know --
Me, Jayne Cobb.

MAL
I know your name, jackass.

JAYNE
You know, they threw a riot on my account?
A riot...

ZOE
Is that Jayne? Is that really him?
Wash, pinch me, I must be dreaming!

JAYNE
Oh hell, I'll pinch you!

MAL
Just get on over to town square, Jayne.
Your fans are waiting.

MAL
Got to find it first. Here we go.

FESS
Yeah, my father's ordered me to attend. You see,
there's this man, uh...It happened when I was
growing up here. He stole a ton of money from
my dad, gave it to the poor, to my father's workers.
He's become kind of folk hero in Canton.

INARA
Go on

FESS
Well, he's back, apparently. He landed here yesterday.

INARA
Yesterday. Oh, no. I - I know this man. He just
has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He
can never just let things go. He thinks he's this
hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting...
but there's a side to him that's just so...

FESS
You mean you actually know Jayne?

INARA
Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?

FESS
Yes, Jayne Cobb. The Hero of Canton. The only
person I ever saw who stood up to my father.

INARA
I...
(flabbergasted)

FESS
My dad had him traced back to his ship. He had
Port Control put a land-lock on it. Jayne will
get back and find out that he's grounded. I sort
of hate the idea of his getting caught.

INARA
Yes, that would be bad.

SIMON
Excuse me?

STITCH
You going to take me to that dirty, low-down
shingle of a man?

SIMON
Listen, uh, sir... I don't know who...

MUDDERS (O.S.)
(outside chanting)
Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Jayne! Jayne!

STITCH
Come on!

MAL
Just drive by now, nice and slow.

MUDDERS
(chanting)
Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Jayne! Jayne!

PROD
Come on, sir. Let's just get...

FOREMAN
Magistrate says no. We hold position.
Understand me?

WASH
Already there.

MAL
(to KAYLEE)
Let's go get our wayward babes.

JAYNE
Uh...I'm no good with words. Don't...don't use
'em much, myself.
(crowd chuckles)
But I want to thank you all for being here, and
for thinking so much of me... Far as I see it,
you people been given the shortest end of the
stick ever been offered a human soul in this
crap-hill 'verse....But you took that end...
well, you took it. And that's... well, I guess
that's something.

MAL
I'm shocked my own self.

STITCH
(chuckles)
Well, hey there, Jayne. Thought I'd make you
watch while I butchered me one of your boys.

JAYNE
He ain't a one of mine. Where you been hiding?
You gone and got yourself looking mighty hideous.

STITCH
(laughs)
Yeah...

FOREMAN
(to Prod)
Now Jayne gets his.

SIMON
Kaylee?

JAYNE
I ain't a hero, Stitch. Just a working stiff
like you.

STITCH
(laughs)
Yep, he's right. Jayne is. We used to work
together, he and I.
(pulls gun on MAL, who has been approaching)
Now why don't you just let ol' Stitch speak his piece?

MAL
Go on, then.

STITCH
Whole lot of money in a Magistrate's safe, weren't
there, Jayne? Got away clean, too! But then our
plane took a hit, and we're going down. We dumped
the fuel reserve, dumped the life support, hell,
we even dumped the seats! The, there's Jayne, the
money, and me. And there was no way he was going
to drop that money.

MUDDER MAN
He did. He dropped it on the Mudders.

STITCH
By accident, you in-bred dung-head! He tossed me
out first! For six months, we run together, he
turned me out before I could scream!

JAYNE
You'd have done the same.

STITCH
No, never. You protect the man you're with. You
watch his back. Everybody knows that! Well,
except the Hero of Canton.

JAYNE
You gonna talk me to death, buddy?
Is that the plan?

STITCH
This is the plan.

WASH
Uh, yeah, I'm working on it.

INARA
(entering)
Hello, Wash. Has there been a problem
with takeoff?

WASH
Is there a problem! Is there a problem?!?
(sees "Land-Lock released" on screen)
No. We're fine.

FESS
I sent an override to Port Control. Lifted
the land-lock on Serenity.

HIGGINS
I ought to wipe that smile off your head.
How dare you defy me?

FESS
You wanted to make a man out of me, Dad.
I guess it worked.

SIMON
It wasn't exactly a plan...

KAYLEE
You ain't weak. You couldn't beat them
back? Or would that not be appropriate?

SIMON
You're never letting go of that, are you?

KAYLEE
Well, you confound me some, is all. I mean,
you like me well enough, and we get along...
and then you go all stiff.

SIMON
(stiffens)
I'm, I'm not, um, I didn't...

KAYLEE
See! You're doing it right now! What's so damn
important about being proper? It don't mean
nothing out here in the black.

SIMON
It means more out here. It's all I have.
I mean... My way of being polite, or however
it's...well, it's the only way I have of showing
you that I like you. I'm showing respect.

KAYLEE
So, when we made love last night...

SIMON
When we WHAT?

KAYLEE
You really are such an easy mark.

MAL
Most like.

JAYNE
I don't know why that eats at me so.

MAL
It's my estimation that...every man ever got a
statue made of him, was one kind of sumbitch or
another. Ain't about you, Jayne. About
what they need.

JAYNE
Don't make no sense.