Our Mrs. Reynolds

Oh, I'm goin' to the special hell
Cast  ·  Intro  ·  Act 1  ·  Act 2  ·  Act 3  ·  Act 4

 

Guest Cast
Alex Stenkovsky
Bandit #1
Christina Hendricks
Saffron
Bob Fimiani
Elder Gommen
Benito Martinez
Corbin
Erik Passoja
Breed

 

Intro
Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part.
Transcribed: Shrift
Written: Joss Whedon
Directed: Vondie Curtis Hall
Aired: October 4, 2002

EXT. PLANET - TRIUMPH SETTLEMENT - DAY

Two horses pull a covered boat-wagon down the bed of a shallow river, hiding their tracks. About six horsemen burst out of the wooded banks and surround the covered wagon, bringing their progress to a halt. In the front seat sit a husband and wife, their faces covered by a brimmed hat and flowered bonnet, respectively.

BANDIT #1
Pardon me for intruding, but I believe y'all
carrying something of mine.

HUSBAND (JAYNE)
T'ain't your'n!

BANDIT #1
Did you think we wouldn't find out you
changed your route?
(beat)
You gonna give us what due us, and every
damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe
you're gonna give me a little one-on-one time
with the missus.

HUSBAND (JAYNE)
Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that
last part. See, I married me a powerful
ugly creature.

(WIFE) MAL
How can you say that? How can you shame
me in front of new people?

(HUSBAND) JAYNE
If I could make you purtier, I would.

(WIFE) MAL
You are not the man I met a year ago.

Mal and Jayne suddenly draw their guns on the horsemen, Mal slowly pulling his bonnet off.

MAL
Now think real hard. You been bird-dogging
this township a while now. They wouldn't mind
a corpse of you. Now you can luxuriate in a nice
jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear
by my pretty flowered bonnet, I will end you.

Mal and Jayne stare down the bandits for a moment, no one moving.

BANDIT #1
Take 'em!

Zoe leans around the covered wagon and shoots a horseman at the yell. The gunfight begins - Mal, Jayne and Zoe outnumbered but scoring direct hits. Within seconds, all the horsemen are dead.

EXT. CELEBRATION - TRIUMPH SETTLEMENT - NIGHT

Music and dancing. Pan across the merry, rustic crowd.

MAL (O.S.)
In the morning --

We now see Mal and Inara walking through the crowd.

MAL
-- we'll head for Beaumonde. Give you
a chance to find some work of your own.

INARA
I appreciate it.
(beat)
This place is lovely, but...

MAL
Not your clientele? I understand.
(Inara laughs)
You gotta play at being a lady.

INARA
Well, yes. So, explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in
the dress?

MAL
Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back.
'Sides, those soft cotton dresses feel kinda
nice. It's the whole... air-flow.

INARA
And you'd know that because...?

MAL
You can't open the book of my life and jump
in the middle. Like woman, I'm a mystery.

INARA
Let's keep it that way. I withdraw the question.

CUT TO:

Long shot of the bonfire. Camera moves in on Jayne sitting on a wooden log next to Elder Gommen. Elder Gommen is holding a rain stick, explaining its use to Jayne.

ELDER GOMMEN
Makes the rain come for eternity. The rain is very scarce,
comes only when needed most. And such it is with men like you.
(hands the stick to Jayne)

JAYNE
(drunkenly)
This is the most... you, friend. You're the guy...
(hugs Elder)
I will treasure this.

CUT TO:

Book watches from a distance as a young woman puts a crown of daises on Mal's head, then gives him a bowl of wine to drink. Mal drinks the wine, smiling broadly at the young woman. The young woman smiles back and twirls out onto the dance floor. Mal smiles and mouths "flowers" to Jayne, who is sitting next to him. Wash and Zoe are cuddling by the bonfire. After a moment, Mal and Jayne are pulled out to dance by several young women.

EXT. SERENITY - OPEN AIRLOCK - DAY

The crew of Serenity are preparing to leave the planet. Mal is walking toward the airlock with Elder Gommen.

MAL
Elder Gommen, thank you for the hospitality.

ELDER GOMMEN
We owe you a great debt. I'm sorry we have so
little to pay it with -- though I hope our gifts
will show our regards.

MAL
Well I don't think Jayne's ever lettin' go
of that stick.
(Elder laughs)

ZOE
(to Mal)
Mal, there's a patrol boat heading into atmo right now.

MAL
(to Elder)
Well we gotta fly.

ELDER GOMMEN
We'll pray for a safe voyage, and hope to lay eyes
on you again 'ere too long, my friend.

MAL
Count on it. Bye now.

ELDER GOMMEN
Bless you.

Echoes of the settlers calling goodbye as the airlock closes.

WIDE SHOT of Serenity closing its doors and rising into the atmosphere.

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

Mal is alone in the cargo bay storing supplies. He squats down to put away what look like propane tanks into a wire cage when he spots a stowaway.

MAL
(surprised)
Gaaahhh!
(beat; angrily)
Who the hell are you?

SAFFRON
What do you mean?

MAL
Well, I think I was pretty clear. What
are you doing on my boat?

SAFFRON
But... you know I'm to cleave to you...?

MAL
To-whubba-who?

SAFFRON
Did Elder Gommen not tell you?

MAL
Tell me what? Who are you?

SAFFRON
Mr. Reynolds, sir.
(beat)
I'm your wife.

Off Mal's stunned expression:

 

Act 1
Are you gonna kill me?

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

Right where we left off, Mal staring at the redheaded stowaway.

SAFFRON
I am your wife. That was your agreement with
Elder Gommen, since he hadn't cash or
livestock --

MAL
I'm-I'm sorry. Go back to the part...
(beat)
Where you're my wife?

SAFFRON
I don't please you?

MAL
You can't please me. You never met me.

Zoe and Jayne enter the cargo bay.

MAL (cont'd)
Zoe, why do I have a wife?

JAYNE
You got a wife? All I got is that dumbass
stick sounds like it's raining. How come
you got a wife?

MAL
I didn't.
(to Saffron)
We're not married.

SAFFRON
(upset)
I'm sorry that I shame you.

MAL
You don't shame me!
(to Zoe)
Zoe, would you get Wash?

Zoe walks to comm, hits it, and then:

ZOE
This is Zoe. We need all personnel
in the cargo bay.

MAL
Whoa, whoa. I said Wash.

ZOE
(grinning)
Captain, everyone should have a chance to
congratulate you on your day of bliss.

MAL
There's-there's no bliss! I don't know this girl!

JAYNE
Then can I know her?

ZOE
(smacks Jayne's arm)
Jayne!
(beat)
Don't sully this.

MAL
You are gonna be cleaning latrines with your
face you don't knock that off.

The rest of the crew comes pouring into the cargo bay, curious.

BOOK
Who's the new recruit?

ZOE
Everybody, I want you all to meet...
(beat)
Mrs. Reynolds.

KAYLEE gasps excitedly. INARA looks less than pleased.

KAYLEE
You got married?!

SIMON
Well, that's, uh...
(searching)
Congratulations.

WASH
We'd always hoped you two kids would get together.
(to Mal)
Who is she?

MAL
She's no one!

Saffron bursts into tears.

KAYLEE
Captain.

MAL
(to Saffron)
Would you stop that?

SAFFRON
I'm sorry.

WASH
You brute.

KAYLEE
(comforting Saffron)
Hey, sweetie. Don't feel bad. He makes everybody
cry. He's like a monster.

MAL
I'm not a monster!
(to Wash; Jayne laughing)
Wash, turn the ship around.

WASH
Can't.

MAL
That's an order.

WASH
Yeah, but can't.

Cutting between Mal and Wash talking, and Book and Simon, all in the cargo bay:

MAL
What the hell is wrong with...

BOOK
(to Simon)
Have you got an encyclopedia?

SIMON
(nodding)
[Chinese - "Of course."]

WASH
...the Alliance touched down the second after we
left, and there's already a bulletin on the cortex
as to the murder of a prefect's nephew. That's
right, one of our bandits has family ties. So unless
you feel like walk into a gallows, I suggest we
continue on to Beaumonde, and you... enjoy your
honeymoon.

MAL
This isn't happening.
(to Saffron)
Would you stop cryin'?

INARA
For god's sake, Mal. Could you be a human being
for thirty seconds?

WASH
As one married man to another --

MAL
(yelling)
I'm not married!
(beat; to Saffron)
I'm sorry. You-you have very nice qualities, but
I didn't ever marry you.

BOOK
(entering with encyclopedia)
I believe you did. Last night.

MAL
(aside, to Jayne)
How drunk was I last night?

JAYNE
Well I dunno. I passed out.

BOOK
It says here:
(reading)
"The woman lays a wreath upon her intended" -- which
I do recall -- "which represents his sovereignty."

MAL
(to Saffron)
That was you?

BOOK
And he drinks of her wine. And then there's a
dance, with a joining of hands. The marriage
ceremony of the Triumph settlers. You, sir,
are a newlywed.

MAL
(beat)
What's it say in there about divorce?

Upset, Saffron runs from the cargo bay.

KAYLEE
[Chinese - "You don't deserve her, you fink."]

MAL
[Chinese - "Mind your own business."]

ZOE
Really think you're the one to talk to her, sir.

MAL
Way I see it, me and her got one thing in
common. We're the only ones don't think this
is funny.

Mal exits the cargo bay after Saffron.

INT. SERENITY - CORRIDOR

Mal is searching the ship.

MAL
Hello? Woman... person?

Mal climbs upstairs.

CUT TO:

Saffron sitting in a corridor quietly crying. Mal enters.

MAL
You all right?

SAFFRON
I thought last night during the ceremony
that you were pleased.

MAL
Well, yeah, last night I was. Had some
mulled wine, pretty girl gave me a hat
made out of a tree. Nobody said I
was signing up to have and to hold.

SAFFRON
Are you gonna kill me?

MAL
What?! What kind of crappy planet is that?
(scoffs)
Kill you.

SAFFRON
In the maiden's home I heard talk of men
who weren't pleased with their brides --

MAL
Well I ain't them! And don't you ever stand for
that sort of thing. Someone ever tries to kill
you, you try to kill 'em right back!
(sits next to her)
Look, wife or no, you are no one's property to
be tossed aside. You got the right same as anyone
to live and try to kill people. I mean, you
know... people that are...
(beat)
That's a dumb planet.

SAFFRON
What will you do with me?

MAL
Not rightly sure. We're bound for Beaumonde. Decent
kind of planet. Might be able set you up some
kind of work there.

SAFFRON
I'll not be anyone's doxy.

MAL
I don't mean whoring. I mean the factories and the like.
Some ranches, if you're more for the outdoors.
Near a week before we get there. We'll figure
something.

SAFFRON
I'd be a good wife.

MAL
Yeah, well, I'd be a terrible husband. You got
five whole days to figure that out.

SAFFRON
Five days... we'll be together?

MAL
We'll be together on the ship, but not in any --

SAFFRON
That'll be fine. I'll do for you -- or not --
as you choose.

MAL
Well. Shiny.
(beat)
Hungry? Kitchen's just through there.

SAFFRON
I'll cook you something.

Saffron moves quickly toward the kitchen area. Mal trails after her.

MAL
Well, no, I meant for you.

SAFFRON
I'm a fine cook. Everyone says.

MAL
That's-that's great. What... Hold it. Hold...
(beat)
I ain't never even --

SAFFRON
My name is Saffron.

Saffron exits. Book comes into frame, watching Saffron walk away.

BOOK
Divorce is very rare and requires dispensation
from her pastor. I can send him a wave, see what
I can do.

MAL
I appreciate that.
(beat)
She's a nice girl.

BOOK
Seems very anxious to please you.

MAL
Well, that's their way, I guess.

BOOK
I suppose so.
(beat)
If you take sexual advantage of her, you're
going to burn in a very special level of hell.
A level they reserve for child molesters and
people who talk at the theater.

MAL
What -- I am not... preacher, you got
a smutty mind!

BOOK
Perhaps I spoke out of turn.

MAL
You may perhaps I'm thinking!

BOOK
I apologize. I'll make her up a room in the
passenger dorm.

MAL
Good.

Book walks away and around the corner. A beat later, he pokes his head back around to say:

BOOK
The special hell.

INT. SERENITY - KITCHEN AREA

Saffron puts a plate of food in front of Mal, who is seated at the dinner table.

MAL
Thank you.

Wash and Zoe enter the kitchen area.

WASH
Something smells good.

ZOE
Havin' yourself a little supper, captain?

MAL
Well, Saffron insisted on... you know, I didn't
want to make her feel... it's damn tasty!

WASH
Is there any more where that came from?

SAFFRON
I didn't think to make enough for your friends. But
everything's laid out if you'd like to cook
for your husband.

Wash and Zoe sit at the table.

WASH
(laughs)
Isn't she quaint?
(to Saffron)
I'm just not hungry.

ZOE
So, are you enjoying your own nubile little
slave girl?

MAL
She wanted to make me dinner. At least she's not cryin'.

WASH
I might. Did she really make fresh bao?
(off Zoe's look)
Quaint!

ZOE
Remember that sex we were planning to have,
ever again?

MAL
You know what, you all are makin' a big deal.
I would appreciate it if someone on this boat
would not assume that I'm an evil
lecherous [hwin dan - "asshole"].

ZOE
Nobody's saying that, sir.

WASH
Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other
significant glances and laughing incessantly.
(beat)
Is that cider?

MAL
By the stove.

WASH
Yum. I'll get you a refill,
[hwin dan - "asshole"].

Wash takes Mal's cup and stands. Saffron is suddenly there, snatching the glass firmly from Wash's hand.

SAFFRON
That's for me to do.

Wash sinks back into his chair and gives Zoe a significant glance.

MAL
You know, um... you weren't lyin' about your
cookin'. If I hadn't already eaten...

SAFFRON
You don't want to finish?

MAL
No, I just -- um, I have captainy things to do. But
truthfully, it was a fine meal. Thank you.

SAFFRON
Do you need anything else?

MAL
No. No. Um. You just... have somethin'
to eat yourself, and uh, I will go captain --

SAFFRON
If you're done with supper... would you like
me to wash your feet?

Mal stares blankly for a beat, then swiftly exits. Wash pulls the plate of bao over to his side of the table.

INT. SERENITY - INARA'S SHUTTLE

Inara sits in front of a console, programming appointments.

INARA
Beaumonde. City of New Dunsmuir. Arrival October 24th.
Departure --

MAL
(entering)
Can I come in?

INARA
No.

MAL
See? That's why I usually don't ask.

INARA
What do you want?

MAL
(sitting)
Oh, I just... needed a place to hide.

INARA
So I take it the honeymoon's over?

MAL
Oh, she's a fine girl, don't misread. A hell
of a cook, too.

INARA
I'm sure she has many exciting talents.

MAL
Do you ever... wash your client's feet?

INARA
It's my specialty.
(beat)
We'll be on Beaumonde at least two weeks,
right?

MAL
Mm. Can't exactly be sure.

INARA
Well, I need you to be exactly sure, Mal. I can't
make commitments and then not keep them. That's
your specialty.

MAL
I'm sorry. Are you tetchy because I got myself a
bride or 'cause I don't plan to keep her?

INARA
I find the whole thing degrading.

MAL
That's just what Saffron said about your
line of work.

INARA
Maybe you should think twice about letting go
of Saffron. You two seem like quite a match.

MAL
Maybe you're right. Maybe we're soulmates.

INARA
Yes. Great. I wish you hundreds of fat children.

MAL
Aw, could you imagine that? Me with a whole
passel of critters underfoot? Hell, ten
years time I could --

INARA
Could you leave me alone for five minutes,
please?

Mal, slightly offended, gets up and leaves Inara's shuttle.

EXT. INARA'S SHUTTLE - DOOR

Mal is closing her door.

MAL
(to Inara)
I wasn't lookin' for a fight!

INT. SERENITY - CATWALK

REVERSE camera to reveal JAYNE standing on the catwalk with a very large gun.

MAL
Always do seem to find one, though.

 

Act 2
Some people ain't lookin' for flash.

INT. SERENITY - CATWALK

Right where we left off, Mal and Jayne squaring off on the catwalk.

JAYNE
There's times I think you don't take me
seriously. I think that ought to change.

MAL
Do you think it's likely to?

JAYNE
You got something you don't deserve.

MAL
And it's brought me a galaxy of fun,
I'm here to tell ya.

JAYNE
Six men came to kill me one time. The best
of 'em carried this.
(approaches Mal)
It's a Callahan full-bore autolock. Customized
trigger, double-cartridge thorough gauge.
(beat)
It is my very favorite gun.
(holds it out to Mal)

MAL
(beat)
[Chinese - "The explosive diarrhea of an
elephant!"] You offering me a trade?!

JAYNE
A trade?! Hell, it's theft. It's the best damn gun
made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's
miles more worthy than what you got.

MAL
What I got? She has a name.

JAYNE
So does this. I call it Vera.

MAL
Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly
coming to a middle.

JAYNE
Well, damnit Mal, I'd treat her okay.

MAL
She's not to be bought, nor bartered, or borrowed, or
lent. She's a human woman doesn't know a damn
thing about the world and needs our protection.

JAYNE
Well I'll protect her!

MAL
Jayne!
(beat)
Go play with your rain stick.

Mal walks away, heading down the stairs. Jayne grumbles and exits out of frame.

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

Mal hits the bottom of the stairs and rounds the corner only to see,

MAL
Gaahh!

SAFFRON lurking right there.

MAL
You do sneak about, don't you?

SAFFRON
You're a good man.

MAL
You clearly haven't been talking to anyone else
on this boat.

SAFFRON
I don't wish to be wed to the large one. I'd rather --
if I am not to be yours -- I'd rather have the work
you spoke of. I could be useful on a ranch.

MAL
It's good work. My momma had a ranch -- back on
Shadow, where I'm from. Ran cattle, mostly. Wasn't
nobody ran harder or smarter. Used to tell me: don't
brand the cattle, brand the buyer; he's the one likely
to stray.

SAFFRON
She raised you herself?

MAL
Well, her and about forty hands. I had more family
for a kid...
(beat)
Well that is odd.

SAFFRON
What?

MAL
I just don't... I'm not one talks about what's
past, and here you got me...

SAFFRON
Does your crew never show interest in your life?

MAL
No, they're... they just know me well enough to...
(beat)
What about you? What's your history?

SAFFRON
Not much to say. Life like yours, I'm figure you'd
find mine terrible dull.

MAL
Oh, I long for a little dullness. Truth to say, this
whole trip's gettin' to be just a little too interesting.

INT. INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP

Closeup of a firefly schematic on a computer monitor screen.

BREED
It's a wreck.

CORBIN
No, this is good.

BREED
It's parts. A lot of cheap parts we'll
never unload.

CORBIN
This is why you'll never be in charge, Breed.
You don't see the whole. The parts are crap.

BREED
I said exactly that.

CORBIN
But you put it together you got a Firefly. Thing'll
run forever they got a mechanic that's even half
awake.

BREED
She's got no flash.

CORBIN
Some people ain't lookin' for flash. She comes
this way, you prep the nets.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Zoe and Wash are returning to the bridge, arguing.

ZOE
Clearly she's out of her mind.

WASH
Well, she's let a sheltered life.

ZOE
Did you see the way she grabbed that glass from you?

WASH
Every planet has its own weird customs. About a
year before we met, I spent six weeks on a moon
where the principal form of recreation was
juggling geese. My hand of god.
(beat)
Baby geese. Goslings. They were juggled.

ZOE
Of course. The man rushes in to defend her.

WASH
I'm talking about geese.

ZOE
Captain shouldn't be babysitting a damned
groupie, and he knows it.

WASH
Okay, when did this become not funny?

ZOE
When you didn't turn around and put her ass
back down on Triumph where it belongs.

WASH
Oh, hey! Now it's even my fault? Is there
anything else on your mind that I should know about?
There are all kinds of twists and cul de sacs.
It's wild!

ZOE
She's trouble.

WASH
I'm getting that.

ZOE
I'm going to bed.

INT. SERENITY - CORRIDOR

Mal is walking down a corridor toward his quarters.

INT. SERENITY - MAL'S ROOM

Mal enters his room from the walkway above, idly unbuttoning his shirt as he walks farther into the room.

MAL
(startled)
Hey!

Camera pans left to reveal an obviously naked Saffron in Mal's bed, covered only by a sheet.

MAL
You're, uh... uh... well, there you are.

SAFFRON
I've made the bed warm for you.

MAL
It looks, uh, warm.

SAFFRON
And I've made myself ready for you.

MAL
Let's ride right past the part where you explain
exactly what that means. Didn't you see you
got a room of your own?

SAFFRON
And I'm to sleep there?

MAL
That's the notion. Assuming you're... yeah.
Sleepy.

SAFFRON
But we've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh?

MAL
Well, no, uh... We're still two fleshes here, and I
think that your flesh ought to sleep somewhere else.

SAFFRON
I'm sorry. When we talked I'd hoped, but I don't --
(moves to stand)

MAL
Whoa, hey! Flesh...
(beat)
Listen, Saffron... it ain't a question of pleasing
me. It's more a question of what's, um, of what's
morally right.

SAFFRON
I do know my bible, sir.
(beat)
On the night of their betrothal the wife shall open
to the man as the furrow to the plow. He shall work
in her again and again, til she bring him to his full.
And rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.

MAL
Whoa. Good bible.

SAFFRON
I'm not skilled, sir. Nor a pleasure to look upon --

MAL
Saffron, you're pleasing.
(sits down)
You're... yep, you're all kinds of pleasing,
and uh, it's-it's been a while -- a long damn while --
since anybody but me took ahold of my plow, so
don't think for a second that I ain't interested.
But you and me, we ain't married. Just 'cause you
got handed to me by some [hwin dan - "asshole"]
couldn't pay off his debts don't make you beholden
to me. I keep trying to explain --

SAFFRON
Let me explain. I lived my life in the maiden
house waiting to be married off for trade.
I seen my sisteren paired off with ugly men.
Vicious or blubberous. Men with appetites
too unseemly to speak on. And I've cried
for those girls. But not half so hard as I
cried the night they gave me to you.

MAL
(worried)
Why? Is there blubber?

SAFFRON
I cried for I'd not dreamed to have a man so
sweet. So kind and beautiful. Had I to dare
to choose, I'd choose you from all the planets
the night sky could show me. If I'm wed, I
am a woman, and I'll take your to leave to be
bold. I want this. I swell to think of you
in me. And I see that you do, too.

MAL
Oh. That's-that's just, um --

SAFFRON
Leave me at the nearest port. Never look upon
me again. I'll make my way with the strength
that you've taught me. Only let me have my
wedding night.

MAL
Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.

They kiss. Mal pulls back reluctantly.

MAL
I-I really, really wish it was that simple,
but I...

Saffron pulls him back into the kiss, hotter than before. Suddenly Mal pushes back from Saffron, looking dazed. He looks at his hand awkwardly.

MAL
Son of a...

Mal falls heavily to the floor, drugged to the gills.

SAFFRON
Night, sweetie.

 

Act 3
Well. Isn't that... special?

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Wash is alone on the bridge, piloting Serenity. Saffron enters.

WASH
Well, if it isn't the master chef.
Not sleepy?

SAFFRON
Am I allowed to be up here?

WASH
Well, sure. Why not? Not like anyone else
is taking up space.

SAFFRON
I've never been off-world before.

WASH
It's beautiful, isn't it?

SAFFRON
It's like a dream.

WASH
Planet I'm from, couldn't see a one of 'em,
pollution's so thick. Sometimes I think I
entered flight school just to see what the
hell everyone was talking about.
(re: Saffron shutting
bridge door)
What are you doing?

SAFFRON
Now we're alone. Just us and the stars. No
ship, no bellowing engines, no crew to bicker
at each other. Look.
(pulls Wash out of his chair)
Do you know the myth of Earth-that-was?

WASH
Not so much.

SAFFRON
That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open,
inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through
the skin of her. Making the oceans boil with sensation.
And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed
up her cheeks and blew out the sky.

WASH
Whoa. Good myth.

SAFFRON
My whole life, I saw nothing but roofs and steeples
and the cellar door. A few days I'll be back to
that life and gone from yours. Make this night
what it should be. Please? Show me the stars.

WASH
[Chinese - "Holy mother of god and all her wacky Nephews"]
Do I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody
not... married, not madly in love with a
beautiful woman who can kill me with her pinkie!

SAFFRON
I've been too forward.

WASH
No! Well, yes, but I actually like that in a
woman. That's part of why Zoe and I are, as
recently mentioned, married.

SAFFRON
I thought she didn't seem to respect you.

WASH
Not everybody gets me and Zoe at first glance.
Did it get very hot in here? I need air flow.

SAFFRON
You love her very much.

WASH
(emphatically)
Yeah.
(beat)
I never did meet anyone quite like Zoe. The,
uh, the first time we met, she actually --

Wash turns his back to Saffron to open the bridge door. PUSH IN on Saffron's face as she rolls her eyes in disgust, then kicks Wash in the head and knocks him out cold.

Saffron rushes to the bridge and begins reprogramming the ship's navigation system, then shorts it out. She drags Wash out of the bridge, then seals the door with a kind of explosive sticky tape.

INT. SERENITY - CATWALK

Saffron is running across the catwalk toward a shuttle door. As she reaches for the door, Inara opens it from the inside and steps out, startling them both.

INARA
Oh! Are you lost?

SAFFRON
I'm sorry. I thought the other shuttle
was yours.

INARA
It is. I was on the cortex and my screen
shorted. This one's out too.

SAFFRON
Looking for customers?

INARA
What were you looking for?

SAFFRON
I don't mean to be rude. A companion's life
is so glamorous and strange. I wish I had
the skill for such a trade.

INARA
Like to please your new husband?

SAFFRON
Oh he'll have none of me. For true I'm somewhat
relieved. If I'm to learn of love, I'd like it
to be at the hands of someone gentle. Someone
who could feel what I feel.

INARA
But Mal said... you-you don't approve of my work.

SAFFRON
Sure'n he said that to keep you from me. I was
too curious about you. Ever since I saw you...

INARA
Come to my shuttle.

SAFFRON
You would... you would lie with me?

Overhead, an alarm starts sounding, breaking the tension.

INARA
I guess we've lied enough.

SAFFRON
You're good.

INARA
You're amazing. Who are you?

SAFFRON
Malcolm Reynold's widow.

Inara, slightly stunned, blocks a punch from Saffron. Saffron pushes Inara down violently and runs for the shuttle, shutting the door behind her, strapping in, and firing up the engines.

EXT. SPACE - SERENITY

Shot of the shuttle detaching from Serenity and taking off.

INT. SERENITY - CORRIDOR

Inara rounds a corner and ends up outside the bridge. Zoe is hovering over Wash, who is still on the ground.

ZOE
Baby, wake up.
(to Inara)
He's bleeding!

WASH
There's no one in there.

KAYLEE
(entering)
What's going on?

Inara climbs down the ladder from the corridor.

INT. SERENITY - MAL'S ROOM

Inara sees Mal lying on the floor.

INARA
(upset)
Mal! Mal-Mal-Mal-Mal-Mal!

She runs to his side and kneels next to him, taking his head in her hands. Mal moans incoherently.

INARA (cont'd)
[Chinese - "Thank god."]

Inara kisses him in relief. Inara rises and hits the comm.

INARA
Get the doctor, Mal's hurt.
(growing groggy)
He...
(realizing, touching her lips)
Oh... you stupid son of a --

Inara collapses next to Mal on the floor.

CUT TO:

CLOSE, BLURRY SHOT of Mal's face. Focus in as Mal wakes, looking around groggily.

MAL
Is it Christmas?

REVERSE to REVEAL the entire crew tightly packed into Mal's room, watching him closely.

SIMON
Well, he's back.

MAL
What happened about me?

ZOE
Your blushing bride was a plant.
(re: Wash)
She took both of you out.

MAL
How did...?

SIMON
Narcotic compound. Probably spread over a
seal on her lips. You get it on yours,
and pow.

ZOE
Lips, huh?

MAL
Well...

SIMON
Yeah, we used to get a lot of guys brought in
on the night shift at the ER. Usually robbed,
very groggy. They called it the "good night kiss."

ZOE
So you two were kissin'?

BOOK
Well. Isn't that... special?

MAL
Wash, how did --

WASH
Hey, I just got kicked in the head.

ZOE
My man would never fall for that [Chinese - "cheap floozy"].

WASH
Most of my head wishes I had.

MAL
You guys don't understand.

BOOK
Seems pretty simple from here. You were taking
advantage of her --

MAL
I was the one being taken advantage of!

BOOK
My apologies. You were victimized, Wash was
beaten, and Inara found you here.

INARA
(groggily)
Then I fell. My head got hurt like Wash.

MAL
I don't get any of this.

INARA
(groggily)
I only fell, is all.

MAL
What the hell's our status?

ZOE
We're shut down. Jayne and Kaylee are trying
to get us on the bridge.

WASH
All we know is we're headed somewhere and it
ain't Beaumonde.

The crew starts standing and moving out of Mal's room. Simon approaches Inara, who has been propped awkwardly on a bunk throughout the scene, looking like a rag doll.

INARA
(to Simon)
I'm-I'm fine. I don't need to be examined.
I'm comfy.

INT. SERENITY - CORRIDOR

Jayne lights a blowtorch and pulls down a pair of goggles over his eyes. Behind him, we follow Kaylee as she turns around and jogs down the stairs to meet Mal and company.

KAYLEE
She didn't just lock it, she fused it to something.
Both entrances.

MAL
Why the big act? What was she after?

BOOK
Beside the less-than-innocent captain?

MAL
You want to stow it, preacher? We're in
some peril here.

ZOE
She can fly this thing, or just take the
shuttle.

WASH
Maybe she likes shuttles.
(re: Zoe's look)
Some people juggle geese!

Jayne finally breaks through the seal on the doors.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Wash and Kaylee are on their backs under the navigation system, staring up at wiring with flashlights.

KAYLEE
She's a pro.

WASH
This is a masterful job of muck-up. See how she
crossed the drive feeds?

KAYLEE
Ya-huh.

WASH
So we even try to reroute, it'll lock down.
[Chinese - "brilliant"].

KAYLEE
She went straight for the thermal cap.

WASH
Yeah, yeah. We are so hung!

MAL
I'm glad you two are havin' a good time under
there. Can we progress to the makin' it right?

WASH
That's not gonna happen for a long while, cap'n.

MAL
Well we don't have a good long while. We could
be headin' straight into a nice big solid moon,
for all we know. So, how's about we get to work?

KAYLEE
Hey. It was your big make-out session that
got us into this, sir.

MAL
I was poisoned!

INARA
You were drugged.

JAYNE
That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.

Long beat full of reaction shots while everyone processes this.

MAL
Well what can you do?

WASH
Give us some time, we can get the cortex and
nav comm back online. At least see where
we're headed.

MAL
What about steering?

INARA
What about stopping?

WASH
She humped us hard. We're gonna have to do
a lot of --

MAL
Well do it. Doesn't help me to see where
we're going if I can't change course.

KAYLEE
This girl really knows her ships.

INARA
That's not all she knows. She's
well-schooled.

SIMON
What do you mean, the sedative?
The "good night kiss"?

INARA
Well, I only hit my head, but Mal went through
that. But, no... I mean seduction. Body language,
signals. She's had training. As in companion.
As in academy.

BOOK
Our little Saffron's quite a wonder. I'm
beginning to think she married beneath herself.

MAL
How do you know -- about the training,

INARA
She tried to seduce me, too.

MAL
Really?
(beat)
Did she... did you...

INARA
You don't play a player. It was sloppy of her
to try it, but I think she was in a rush.

MAL
Yeah but she had professional...
So in my case, it was really...
(to Book)
You woulda kissed her, too.

ZOE
Wash didn't.

MAL
But she was naked! And all... articulate!

WASH
Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here.
Everybody else, elsewhere.

INT. INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP

Back at the chop shop with the criminals, where a radar screen is beeping.

BREED
They're coming!

CORBIN
How far out?

BREED
Ten minutes or so, right on target.

CORBIN
Speed?

BREED
A1.

CORBIN
That girl's a wonder.

BREED
She gets it done. Tell the boys.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Wash is working on restoring the nav comm.

WASH
Yes!

MAL
You got it?

WASH
Uh, we got light, we got screens. It's a
qualified yes. A partial.

MAL
What about nav control?

KAYLEE
No.

MAL
So where are we headed?

WASH
The coordinates she entered we're headed for
something and it's not too far.

MAL
Did she signal anybody?

WASH
Uh... [chinese - "hold on a minute"]. She did. Same
coordinates, no ID.

JAYNE
Who's out there?

WASH
Let me see if her signal wave can translate
into a visual. There might be...
(looks at red blob on radar)
Electromagnetic interference, uh... bouncing
the signal all over the place. Look at it.
Looks like a circle.

MAL
It's a net.

JAYNE
I don't get it. Where we headed?

BOOK
The end of the line.

EXT. SPACE - ELECTROMAGNETIC NET

Slowly pull back on the giant net that houses our intergalactic chop shop.

 

Act 4
Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Right where we left the crew, realizing their fate.

BOOK
It's a carrion house. Scrap shop. Takes
ships, pulls 'em apart, or fixes 'em up.

WASH
Doesn't sound that scary.

MAL
That pattern you're lookin' at is a net.
We fall into that we're more than just
helpless. It'll turn this ship into one
big electrical conduit and burn us all
from the inside out.

BOOK
Some of the newer ones will just hold you,
and then the scrappers will override the
airlocks. Pull the O2 or just gas you.
They're not lookin' to deal with survivors.

JAYNE
One day you're gonna tell us all how a
preacher knows so damn much about crime.

MAL
Kaylee?

KAYLEE
I'm trying, sir.

MAL
Keep on it. We can't fall into that net.
(beat)
We're gonna need a Plan B.

Mal comes up with some kind of idea, walks across the bridge and hits the comm.

MAL
(to Zoe)
Zoe, get our suits prepped now.
(to Wash)
I figure we got one shot at this. Gimme a
visual as soon as we're close.

WASH
It won't be long.

JAYNE
What do I do?

MAL
You go get Vera.

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

Mal, Zoe and Jayne are suiting up in their mylar space suits. Jayne is loading Vera.

JAYNE
She needs oxygen around her to fire and
we don't have a case.

MAL
Gonna use a suit.

SIMON
(bringing the suit)
Here. We got it.

JAYNE
What am I aimin' for, the window?

MAL
Well that might kill some folk but it won't
short the net. See these six points where it's
brightest? Those are the breakers. Hit one of
those, should short it out.

JAYNE
What do you mean "should"?

EXT. SPACE - SERENITY

Close on Serenity, then REVERSE camera to watch the shop fly past toward the net.

EXT. SPACE - ELECTROMAGNETIC NET

Pan across the glowing blue net.

INT. SERENITY - AIRLOCK

Mal, Jayne and Zoe are suited up and waiting as the airlock opens to reveal the net.

MAL
You see it?

JAYNE
Clear as day. See, Vera? Dress yourself up;
you get taken out somewhere fun.

Long moment, then Jayne fires at the net.

INT. INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP

Interior of their digs starts shaking and sparking. Our two criminals dive for cover.

INT. SERENITY - AIRLOCK

Jayne fires Vera rapidly at the net.

INT. INTERGALACTIC CHOP SHOP

Our two criminals watch bullets pound into the walls. They trade a slow glance of, "Oh, shit."

EXT. SPACE - ELECTROMAGNETIC NET

The blue sparks stop shooting just in time for Serenity to slip on through like a hot knife through butter.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Wash is looking triumphant.

WASH
We got it.

Mal enters, looking hopeful.

WASH
It's not pretty, but we can steer
enough to turn the hell around.

MAL
Nice work, Jerry Lee.

KAYLEE
Not soon enough to help.

MAL
Hey. Lot easier to pull things apart than it
is put 'em right. Let's do the best we can
at floatin'.

Mal kisses the top of Kaylee's head.

WASH
Captain, didn't you know kissin' girls
makes you sleepy?

MAL
Well sometimes I just can't help myself.
(beat)
Now, let's go visiting.

EXT. PLANET SURFACE - WINTER - DAY

INT. CABIN - DAY

Saffron, now made up and wearing revealing clothing, is packing when Mal bursts through the door with his gun drawn.

MAL
Honey, I'm home.

Saffron freezes, then struggles with Mal. After a moment, he wrestles her onto the bed, pinning her arms and legs.

MAL
Looks like you get that wedding night,
after all.

Saffron rolls them off the bed and they hit the floor, her back on the bottom after another struggle.

MAL
It's the first time, darlin'. I think you
should be gentle with me.

SAFFRON
You gonna kill me?

MAL
Can you conjure up a terribly compelling
reason for me not to?

SAFFRON
I didn't kill you.

MAL
You handed me and my crew over to those that
would kill us. That buys you nothing.

SAFFRON
I made you dinner.

MAL
Why the act? All the seduction games, the
dancin' about folk? There has to be an
easier way to steal.

SAFFRON
You're assuming the payoff is the point.

MAL
I'm not assuming anything at this juncture.

SAFFRON
How'd you find me?

MAL
Only a few places that shuttle would make
it to from where you left. Happy to find
it intact.

SAFFRON
You're quite a man, Malcolm Reynolds. I've
been waiting a long time for someone good
enough to take me down.

Beneath Mal, Saffron does a little wiggle-shimmy-bump-and-grind.

MAL
Saffron, you even think about playing
me again I will riddle you with holes.

SAFFRON
Everybody plays each other. That's all
anybody ever does. We play parts.

MAL
You got all kinds of learnin' and you made
me look the fool without tryin', and
yet here I am with a gun to your head.
That's 'cause I got people with me.
People who trust each other, who do for
each other, and ain't always lookin'
for the advantage.

SAFFRON
Promise me you're gonna kill me soon.

MAL
Aw, you already know I ain't gonna.

SAFFRON
You know, you did pretty well. Most men...
they're on me inside of ten minutes. Not tryin'
to teach me to be strong and the like.

MAL
I got one question for you. Just one thing
I'd like to know, straight up.

SAFFRON
Ask me.

MAL
What's your middle name?

Saffron stares at him for a moment -- it's not what she expected. Then, as she's about to reply, Mal knocks her out.

MAL
You'd have only lied, anyhow.

INT. SERENITY - INARA'S SHUTTLE

A knock sounds on Inara's door.

INARA
Come in.

MAL
(entering)
Back on course. Be on Beaumonde a day or
two late. Hope that's all right.

INARA
Should be fine, thank you. And does the
vixen live?

MAL
Yeah, if you can call it that. All's well,
I suppose.

INARA
Yes.

MAL
You're a very graceful woman, Inara.

INARA
(startled)
I --
(beat)
Thank you.

MAL
So here's where I'm fuzzy. You got by that
girl, came and found me. And somehow you
happened to just trip and fall.

INARA
What do you mean?

MAL
How's about we don't play. You didn't
just trip, did you?

INARA
No.

Hold on that -- it's an intense moment. They're standing close, tension thrumming...

Then, a big smile breaks over Mal's face.

MAL
Isn't that something.
(beat)
I knew you let her kiss you.

Mal leaves Inara's shuttle, grinning as big as all get out. Inara stares at his back as he leaves, blinking in disbelief.