Jaynestown

How's about we move away from this eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our increasingly eerie-ass day?
Cast  ·  Intro  ·  Act 1  ·  Act 2  ·  Act 3  ·  Act 4

 

Guest Cast
Jordan Lunde
Foreman
Gregory Itzin
Magistrate Higgins
Zachary Kranzler
Fess Higgins
Bob McCracken
Well-Dressed Man
Ronald Craig William
Busker
Daniel Bess
Mudder Man
?? Grabiak
Mudder Boy
John Jabaley
Bartender
Laura Niemi
Woman
Kevin Gage
Stitch Hessian
Simon Brooke
Prod
Clement E. Blake
Mudder Elder

 

Intro
Have good sex.
Transcribed: Jesse
Written: Ben Edlund
Directed: Marita Grabiak
Aired: October 18, 2002

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

KAYLEE and SIMON are standing on opposite sides of a corridor, talking.

KAYLEE
Come on, admit it, it's true.

SIMON
No, I won't, because it's not. I use swear
words like anybody else.

KAYLEE
Oh, really? See, I never heard you. So when
is it you do all of this cussin'? After I
go to bed, or...

SIMON
I swear when it's appropriate.

KAYLEE
Simon, the whole point of swearing
is that it ain't appropriate.

KAYLEE, smiling widely, turns to see Inara crossing the cargo bay and climbing up the stairs toward her shuttle.

KAYLEE (cont'd)
Hey, there, Inara! Heading off for some
glamorous romance?

INARA
(chuckles)
Lets hope so. See you two tomorrow. Don't let Mal
get you into too much trouble while I'm gone.

KAYLEE
Bye, now. Have good sex.

INARA goes up the stairs.

KAYLEE (cont'd)
(re: Simon's look)
What?

Crashing noise off-screen. Cut to Jayne in the infirmary, which is a shambles. He has tape around his midsection. Kaylee and Simon walk into infirmary.

SIMON
Oh!

KAYLEE
Now, this would be the perfect time
for a swear word.

SIMON
What...happened in here?

JAYNE
Needed to find some tape.

SIMON
So you had to tear my infirmary apart?

JAYNE
Apparently.

SIMON
My god -- you're like a trained ape.
Without the training.

Mal enters, sees the gun Jayne is strapping to his belly.

MAL
Jayne. I told you we're setting down at
the Canton factory settlement on
Higgins' moon.

JAYNE
Yep. That you did.

MAL
Canton don't allow guns in their town

JAYNE
Yes sir. That's why I ain't strapping one to my hip.

MAL
No. That's why you ain't strapping
one anywhere.

JAYNE
Oh, listen, Mal -- I was in Canton a few
years back, I might have made me a few
enemies thereabouts.

SIMON
Enemies? You? No, how can it be?

JAYNE
I just don't like the idea of us going
in there empty-handed is all.

MAL
Why are you still arguing what's been decided?

JAYNE looks at MAL, sighs, rips tape off his belly. Whimpers.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE

Serenity approaching planet.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

WASH
(on comm)
Okay, Inara, we're atmospheric. You are
good to go.

INARA
Thanks, Wash. Disengaging in three,
two, one.

Shuttle disengages, Firefly lands on Higgins' moon. Crew gets out.

SIMON
Canton really...stinks.

MAL
That's what makes it such a great drop point.
No one comes here that doesn't have to.

WASH
I vote we do this job really, really fast.

MAL
Kessler's our man. He's holding the goods
we're to deliver. We go in, make contact.
Easy peasy. Zoe, you're holding down the
fort. Call ahead to Bernoulli, let him
know we'll have his merchandise end of the week.

WASH
Don't I usually stay with the ship?

ZOE
I outrank you.
(kisses WASH)
Have fun.

SIMON
So, this is a place where they...
they make mud.

KAYLEE
Yep. Clay really. You'd be surprised how
many things it ends up in. Serenity's got
more than a few ceramic parts in her.

SIMON
Really?

KAYLEE
Yeah.

SIMON
Huh.

KAYLEE
Captain, don't you think Simon should
come with us?

SIMON
What? Oh, Kaylee, I don't--I don't
think that...

BOOK
You go on, boy. See the sights. I can
watch over your sister. I believe we've
been developing a rapport.

SIMON
I--I don't know, River can be...

BOOK
Go on. I'm a Shepherd, after all. I should
be able to keep my eye on a flock of one.

MAL
I'm not going that far, Doctor, and you
might maybe make yourself useful.

JAYNE
Come again?

JAYNE is clearly wearing a disguise -- hood, goggles.

MAL
The management here don't take kindly to
sight-seers, which is why we're...
(Notices JAYNE's getup)
...posing as buyers. There ain't a one of
us looks the part more than the good Doctor.
I mean, the pretty fits, soft hands, definitely
a moneyed individual. All rich and lily-white,
pasty all over...

SIMON
All right. Fine. I'll go. Just stop describing me.

MAL
(salutes)
You're the boss, boss.

JAYNE
He's the boss now? Day keeps getting better and better.

Crew walks off, toward town.

EXT. PLANET - MUD PITS - DAY

FOREMAN
Area's employees only! You best be getting back
to the landing unless you have business here!

SIMON
Yes. Yes, I, I'm looking. To buy some mud.

FOREMAN
Well, then.
(chuckles)
Come to the right place!

He claps SIMON on the shoulder, leaving a muddy handprint, and walks off, the crew following.

FOREMAN (cont'd)
Of course we can handle any volume here. We
have over 2,000 workers, mostly indentured.
We pay them next to nothing, that way we can
pass the savings directly on to you,
the customer.

SIMON
Savings? Uh, excellent. That's, uh, because,
as I -- as I said before, I'm going to, um, I'm
going to be needing quite a bit of it. I,
uh, I-I'm a buyer.

FOREMAN
Yup, best of its kind. Uh, we mix it, we brick
it raw, right here on the premises. Uh, you add
the right catalyst, you kiln it proper, this stuff's
ten times stronger than steel at half the weight.

SIMON
Yes. Uh, I - I've heard, uh, great things,
about the mud

WASH
(to Kaylee)
What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical
master of disguise?

KAYLEE
He's learning.

MAL
Excuse me, boss? I'm sure the foreman has
things need attending. Why don't we wander
a bit, take a look at the operation, then you
can figure on whether we get an account here.

SIMON
Yes? Yes. Yes, we'll, uh, we'll wander a bit.

FOREMAN
Fair enough. Come and see me when you're through.

The Foreman walks out of frame.

MAL
All right, let's head to worker-town. Find
our man Kessler, get this job done.
(Crew walks off)

JAYNE
Boy's going to get us killed. Let's just
do this deal and get.

MAL
His disguise ain't half as funny as yours.
Who're you supposed to be, anyway?

WASH
You haven't been here in years, Jayne.
You really think you need that getup?
No one's going to remember you.

MAL
I think it's possible they might.

CUT TO:

Ceramic statue of JAYNE. Legend: JAYNE COBB. Long beat while they all take this in.

SIMON
Son of a bitch.

 

Act 1
Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me.

EXT. PLANET - WORKER-TOWN - DAY

Right where we left off, with the crew staring at Jayne's statue.

MAL
Jayne?

JAYNE
Yeah?

MAL
You want to tell me how come there's a statue
of you here looking at me like I owe him
something?

JAYNE
Wishing I could, Captain.

MAL
No, seriously, Jayne, you want to tell me?

JAYNE
Look, Mal, I got no ruttin' idea. I was
here a few years back, like I said. Pulled
a second-story, stole a lot of scratch from
the magistrate up on the hill. But things
went way South. I had to hightail it.
They don't...put you on a pedestal in town
square for that.

MAL
Yeah, except I'm looking at some fair
compelling evidence says they do.

SIMON
This must be what going mad feels like.

WASH
I think they captured him, though - you
know...captured his essence.

KAYLEE
Looks sort of angry, don't he?

WASH
That's kinda what I meant.

A whistle sounds in the b.g.

FOREMAN
Shift four on duty. Shift four on duty.

JAYNE
Oh hey, I got an idea. Instead of us hanging
around playing art critic till I get pinched by
the Man, how's about we move away from this
eerie-ass piece of work and get on with our
increasingly eerie-ass day, how's that?

MAL
I don't know. This here's a spectacle might
warrant a moment's consideration.

KAYLEE
Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me.

JAYNE
Come on, gorram it. We got a job. Let's go
do it, get the hell out of here. I crossed
the magistrate of this company town, understand?
He ain't exactly a forgiving sort of guy.

EXT. PLANET - MAGISTRATE'S HOUSE

INARA
Magistrate Higgins, I presume?

HIGGINS
You may, but I only make the people I own use
my title. "Mister Higgins" will do fine.
(kisses her hand)

INARA
And you can call me Inara, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS
It's a rare pleasure, your visit to my
little moon. Journey wasn't too taxing?

INARA
Not at all. I'm refreshed and ready.
Shall we begin at, say, 7:30?

HIGGINS
Perfect. I have a feeling it will take all
your arts to deal with this particular problem.

INARA
Every problem, Mr. Higgins, is an
opportunity in disguise.

HIGGINS points at INARA, walks away

INT. SERENITY - KITCHEN AREA

Inara sits at the kitchen table. Book enters.

BOOK
What are we up to, sweetheart?

RIVER
Fixing your Bible.

BOOK
I, um, what?

RIVER
Bible's broken. Contradictions, false
logistics - doesn't make sense.

She's marked up the bible, with crossed-out passages

BOOK
No, no. You - you can't...

RIVER
So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution
theory with God's creation of Eden. 11 inherent
metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven.
Important number. Prime number. One goes into
the house of 11 11 times, but always comes out
one. Noah's ark is a problem.

BOOK
Really?

RIVER
We'll have to call it "early quantum state
phenomenon." Only way to fit 5000 species
of mammal on the same boat.
(rips out page)

BOOK
Give me that. River, you don't...fix the Bible.

RIVER
It's broken. Doesn't make sense.

BOOK
It's not about making sense. It's about believing
in something and letting that belief be real enough
to change your life. It's about faith. You don't
fix faith, River. It fixes you.
(tries to take Bible pages from
River; fails)
You hang on to those, now.

INT. WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR

Crew sitting around table. A busker is strumming a guitar in the center of the room.

JAYNE
Can't be a statue of me. No reason for it.
Flies in the face of every kind of sense.

MAL
Won't argue with that.

WASH gags, spits out what he's just drunk.

WASH
(Chinese)
[zhe shi she me lan dong xi? - "What kind
of rotten food is this"?]

JAYNE
Mm-hmm. They call it "Mudder's milk."
(WASH gags)
All the protein, vitamins, and carbs of
your grandma's best turkey dinner, plus
15% alcohol.

WASH
It's horrific.

SIMON
Well, it worked for the Egyptians.

JAYNE
What's that?

SIMON
The ancient Egyptians, back on Earth-That-Was.
Not so different from the ancestral form of beer
they fed the slaves to build their pyramids.
It's liquid bread. Kept them from starving and
knocked them out at night so they wouldn't be
inclined to insurrection.

KAYLEE
Wow, Simon. That was so...historical.

MAL
(spots Well-Dressed Man;
to himself)
What's a gussied-up fellow like you
doing in a place like this?

JAYNE
(to staring boy)
Shake your head, boy. Your eyes are stuck. Git!

The staring boy jumps and runs away.


WELL-DRESSED MAN
You wouldn't be looking for Kessler?

MAL
Just having a brew

WELL-DRESSED MAN
I knew a Kessler.

MAL
"Knew?"

WELL-DRESSED MAN
He was a good middleman. Low profile. Didn't filch.
Last week, the factory foreman and his prod crew
heard he was moving contraband through town.
Gave him a peck of trouble for it.

MAL
What kind of peck was that?

WELL-DRESSED MAN
The kind where they hacked off his hands and feet with
a machete, rolled him into the bog.

WASH
They peck pretty hard around here.

MAL
Listen, my client offworld is waiting for his
delivery. If the goods are gone...

WELL-DRESSED MAN
Not to worry. Your man's merchandise is here, safe
in Kessler's hiding place. We just got to figure
out how to get it across town without being seen
by the foreman and his prods. I advise we all
just lay low for a moment.

WELL-DRESSED MAN leaves

BUSKER starts to sing.


JAYNE
(Chinese)
[Yeh-soo ta ma duh.]

BUSKER
Jayne \ The man we call Jayne \ He robbed
from the rich and he gave to the poor \
Stood up to the Man and he gave him what for \
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain \
The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne \
Our Jayne saw the Mudders' backs breaking \
He saw the Mudders lament \ And he saw the
magistrate taking \ Every dollar and leaving
five cents \ So he said, "You can't do that
to my people" \ He said...
(singing continues)

MAL
(over singing)
Um...Jayne?

JAYNE
Yeah, Mal?

MAL
You got any light you'd like to shed on
this development?

JAYNE
No, Mal.

SIMON
No. This must be what going mad feels like.

Singing continues


MUDDERS
Our love for him now ain't hard to explain \
The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jayne

BUSKER
Now here is what separates heroes \ From
common folk like you and I \ The man they
call Jayne \ He turned 'round his plane \
And let that money hit the sky

JAYNE
Ohhh, I'll be gorrammed. That's where that
cash went. I stole that money from Higgins
just like the song says, lifted me one of
his hovercraft. But I got tagged by
anti-aircraft, started losing altitude.
Had dump them strongboxes to stay airborne.
Oh...60,000, untraceable. And I drop it right
square in the middle of mud-farmer central.

WASH
We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the hero!

MUDDERS
(singing)
The man they call Jayne!

INT. SERENITY - BOOK'S ROOM

BOOK loosens his hair and washes his face, getting ready for bed.


RIVER
Hello?

BOOK
In here, River

RIVER
I'm...I tore these out of your symbol and
they turned into paper. But I want to
put them back, so...

BOOK stands up from washing his face. His hair is out of it's usual ponytail. He looks like Albert Einstein after sticking his finger in a light socket.

BOOK
I'm sorry, what's that?

RIVER screams, runs away.

BOOK
River? River, come back

ZOE
Preacher, what the hell did you sic on...
(sees him)
Woah! Oh.

INT. WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR

The singing has finally stopped.

JAYNE
Captain, now they're off the subject of me,
shouldn't we be getting the hell out of here?

MAL
I'd say that's a reasonable request,
considering the circumstances.

JAYNE
Ruttin' mudders.

All get up from the table, walk our of bar. To crowd of MUDDERS, who cheer:

MUDDERS
JAYNE!!
(chanting)
Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne Jayne!

JAYNE runs back into bar.

JAYNE
Gimme some milk.

The bartender gives Jayne a jar. Jayne drinks

MUDDER MAN
Don't you understand? He's come back! It's Jayne!

The Bartender swipes milk bottle from Jayne's hand.

JAYNE
What the..?!

BARTENDER
Hero of Canton won't be drinking that
[chou ma niao - "stinking horse piss"].
He drinks the best whiskey in the house!

MUDDERS cheer. MAL re-enters bar.

WELL-DRESSED MAN
What the hell's going on? This how people
lay low where you're from?

MAL
Not generally, no.

WELL-DRESSED MAN
Listen, friend. I came here to make sure a deal
went down solid, not to get chopped up by the
Canton prod crew and fed to the bog.

MAL
I understand your concerns, friend.
This here's all part of our new plan.

MAL smiles, WELL-DRESSED MAN walks off. Rest of crew has returned to bar.

KAYLEE
Captain, how exactly is this part...?

MAL
Still working the details.

 

Act 2
His brains are in terrible danger.

INT. INARA'S SHUTTLE

She's lighting candles, making tea. HIGGINS enters, a young man behind him.

HIGGINS
Inara, allow me to introduce my son,
Fess Higgins.

INARA
Hello, Fess. Mr. Higgins, this shuttle
is a place of union. I'm sure you can
appreciate...

HIGGINS
What is this? I brought you here to bed
my son, not throw him a tea party.

INARA
Sir, the Companion Greeting Ceremony is a
ritual with centuries of tradition...

HIGGINS
My son is 26 years old and he ain't yet a
man. Twenty-six. And since he can't find
a willin' woman himself...

INARA
Mr. Higgins, you're not allowed here.

HIGGINS
What?

INARA
As I've said, this room is a consecrated
place of union. Only your son belongs here.

HIGGINS
Well, I'm...

INARA
Now, why don't you go on, and let us
begin our work.

HIGGINS
Now listen here, young lady...

INARA
Good night, Mr. Higgins.

HIGGINS leaves. INARA continues, turning to FESS.

INARA (cont'd)
Well, that's a bit more peaceful. Will you sit?

INT. WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR

MUDDERS
To Jayne! To Jayne!

JAYNE
To me!

They drink. More cheering.

JAYNE
To the Mudders!

MUDDERS
To the Mudders!

Cheering continues.

MAL and WASH are sitting at a table nearby. A little ways away, KAYLEE and SIMON sit close together.

SIMON
(drunkenly)
You know, I've saved lives. Dozens. Maybe
hundreds. I reattached a girl's leg. Her
whole leg. She named her hamster after me.
I got a hamster. He drops a box of money,
he gets a town.

KAYLEE
Hamsters is nice.

SIMON
To Jayne! The box-dropping,
man-ape-gone-wrong-thing.

KAYLEE
(laughs)
You are pretty funny.

SIMON
And you're pretty....pretty.

KAYLEE
What did you just say?

SIMON
I just said that you're pretty. Even when
you're covered in...engine grease, you're...
No, especially, especially when you're
covered in engine grease.

MAL interrupts.

MAL
It's time to get out of this nuthouse.
Got some planning to work out.

KAYLEE
Now, Captain? Things are going so well.

MAL
I suppose. Jayne's certainly feeling better
about life, but...

KAYLEE
I said, things are going well.
(meaningful look)

MAL
Oh, "well."
(looks at SIMON)
Well, I tell you what. Jayne is stuck here with
his adoring masses - why don't you and Simon hang
around and keep an eye on him for me.

They toast, MAL walks off. KAYLEE smiles at SIMON

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

BOOK is looking into RIVER's hiding place under the Cargo Bay stairs.

RIVER (O.S.)
They say the snow on the roof was too heavy.
They say the ceiling will cave in. His brains
are in terrible danger.

BOOK
River? Why don't you come out?

RIVER
No! I can't. Too much hair.

ZOE chuckles

BOOK
Is that it?

ZOE
Hell, yes, Preacher. If I didn't have stuff
to get done, I'd be in there with her.

BOOK
It's the rules of my order. Like the book. It symbolizes...

ZOE
Uh huh. River, honey? He's putting the
hair away now.

RIVER
It'll still be there....waiting.

Mal and Wash enter the cargo bay.

WASH
Honey, we're home!

ZOE
Where you guys been? Mal, Bernoulli's chomping
at the bit. Says he wants his merchandise
yesterday.

MAL
Yeah, well, we still got a few wrinkles to
work out on the deal.

WASH
Did you know that Jayne is a bona fide
folk hero? Got a song and everything.

ZOE
What? You been drinking, husband.

MAL
That he has. Don't make it any less the case.

ZOE
You telling me that Jayne...

MAL
It's true. True enough -- We can use it, anyway.
We talked a few pillars of the Mudder community
into having a little Jayne Day celebration in
town square tomorrow.

WASH cracks up, laughing

MAL (cont'd)
It should buy us enough of a distraction to get
the stolen goods out from under the foreman and
his crew of prods.

ZOE
(to Wash)
You're really going to have to start again.
Jayne's a what?

INT. INARA'S SHUTTLE

Fess and Inara are sitting next to each other, taking tea.

FESS
This whole thing, uh...it, it is embarrassing.
My father's right again, I guess. And to have
to bring you here, and...

INARA
Your father's not right, Fess. It's not
embarrassing to be virgin. It's simply one
state of being. As far as bringing me here,
Companions choose the people they're to be
with very carefully. For example, if your
father had asked me to come here for him,
I wouldn't have.

FESS
Really?

INARA
Really, Fess. You're different from him.
The more you accept that, the stronger
you'll become.

INARA takes off FESS'S glasses, kisses him.

INT. WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR

JAYNE
So, the magistrate, he let you folks keep
all that cash?

MUDDER MAN
He did. And it pained him, that's for dead sure.
When he found out, he sent his prods in to take
it back from us, but the workers resisted.

JAYNE
Fought the law, huh?

MUDDER MAN
If the Mudders are together on a thing, there's
too many of us to be put down. So in the end,
he just called it a bonus.

JAYNE
That's one hell of a bonus.

MUDDER MAN
And then, when we put that statue of you in town
square, he rolled in, wanted to tear it down.
But the whole town rioted.

JAYNE
You guys had a riot? On account of me?
A real riot?

MUDDER MAN
I can't believe you're back.

JAYNE
How could I stay away?

JAYNE hugs the MUDDERS closest to him.

INT. MAGISTRATE HIGGIN'S HOUSE

Magistrate Higgins is pouring himself a drink when the Foreman enters.

FOREMAN
Magistrate Higgins...

HIGGINS
My son's out there I pray to God losing
his cherry.

FOREMAN
There's a problem in worker-town, sir.
Jayne Cobb's come back.

EXT. PLANET - MUD PITS

The Foreman and Magistrate Higgins stand outside what appears to be a storage area. FOREMAN knocks on what looks like a storage shed, unlocks it, opens the door.

HIGGINS
Evenin', Stitch.

STITCH
(inside dark cell)
What do you want with me?

HIGGINS
Nothing. Done your time, you paid your debt.
It's time you were on your way.

STITCH comes out of the cell. He's missing one eye, has wild hair and beard. He has trouble standing. HIGGINS hands him a bag.

HIGGINS
Here.... I believe these were your
personal effects.

STITCH
You keep me in that box four years, you give
me a loaded gun?

HIGGINS
You got the urge to use it, no doubt. But I'm
not the one who brought you in on that robbery.
I'm not the one who partnered up with you and
then turned on you when his plan went South.
How high up was that Shuttle when he pushed
you out? 30 feet? Jayne Cobb cost you four
years of your life plus a perfectly good eyeball.
But here's the poetical portion - he's back in town.
This very day. Best of luck in your new life.

HIGGINS walks off. STITCH cocks his shotgun.

 

Act 3
No, there was, uh, there was some drinking

ACT THREE

EXT. WORKER-TOWN - SQUARE - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR - DAY

KAYLEE and SIMON asleep together on bench. MAL approaches.

KAYLEE
(sleepily)
Hey, Captain.
(wakes up more; sits up)
Captain!

SIMON
Hey...Mal, uh, Mal... No, nuh-nuh-nothing
happened. No, there was, uh, there was some
drinking, but, uh, we, no we certainly didn't.
No, I would never ! Not with Kaylee...

KAYLEE
What do you mean, Not with me?

MAL
Yeah, uh-huh. Where's my hero?

Jayne enters from upstairs, his arm around a woman, and walks down to the bar area.

JAYNE
(singing)
My love for me now ain't hard to explain
The Hero of Canton
The man they call...ME
(speaking, now)
Eggs. The living legend needs eggs.
Or maybe another milk.

MAL
No, the living legend needs to come with us.
He's got a little appearance to make.

JAYNE
He does?

MAL
That's right This job here's gone way past long enough.

JAYNE
Yeah, all right.
(To woman)
Well, you go on now, I've got me important
hero-type stuff to do.

MAL gathers his crew and begins to walk off.

KAYLEE
(to Simon)
Where you going?

SIMON
I'm going with you.

KAYLEE
Mmm, I don't think so. No, maybe you ought
to stay here. It's about the time for a
civilized person to have his breakfast. That's
the sort of thing would be appropriate, don't
you think?

SIMON gapes. Rest of crew leaves.

SIMON
(sighs; to Bartender)
Excuse me, could I see a menu?

BARTENDER
A what?

INT. INARA'S SHUTTLE.

INARA and FESS are curled up in bed, post-coital.

INARA
You're very quiet

FESS
I'm sorry. I just...I just thought I'd feel...
different...after. Aren't I supposed to be
a man now?

INARA
A man is just a boy who's old enough to ask
that question. Our time together....It's a
ritual, a symbol. It means something to your
father. I hope it was not entirely forgettable
for you.

FESS
No, it was..

INARA
But it doesn't make you a man. You do
that yourself.

Suddenly there is a loud banging on door

HIGGINS
Fess! Fess Higgins! Get out here!

EXT. WORKER-TOWN - STREET - DAY

MAL
So, that's where the little "Jayne Celebration"
we got planned comes in. Should give us enough
time to get the goods back onto Serenity.

JAYNE
I don't know. You think we should be using my
fame to hoodwink folks?

MAL
You better laugh when you say that.

JAYNE
No really, Mal, I mean, maybe there's something
to this. The Mudders? I think I really made
a difference in their lives. You know --
Me, Jayne Cobb.

MAL
I know your name, jackass.

JAYNE
You know, they threw a riot on my account?
A riot...

WASH and ZOE ride up on a four-wheel.

WASH
Morning, kids!

ZOE
Is that Jayne? Is that really him?
Wash, pinch me, I must be dreaming!

JAYNE
Oh hell, I'll pinch you!

MAL
Just get on over to town square, Jayne.
Your fans are waiting.

WASH, ZOE, MAL and KAYLEE ride off, to a sparsely forested area.

ZOE
Do you really think we can get this stuff cross
town without being noticed?

MAL
Got to find it first. Here we go.

Camera pans down to reveal that the hill they are standing on is built over a large parcel.

MAL
Let's get it dug up.

INT. INARA'S SHUTTLE

Fess is dressed. Inara is wearing a loose robe and pouring more tea.

INARA
A criminal hearing?

FESS
Yeah, my father's ordered me to attend. You see,
there's this man, uh...It happened when I was
growing up here. He stole a ton of money from
my dad, gave it to the poor, to my father's workers.
He's become kind of folk hero in Canton.

INARA
Go on

FESS
Well, he's back, apparently. He landed here yesterday.

INARA
Yesterday. Oh, no. I - I know this man. He just
has this idiotic sense of nobility, you know? He
can never just let things go. He thinks he's this
hard-hearted criminal, and he can be unrelenting...
but there's a side to him that's just so...

FESS
You mean you actually know Jayne?

INARA
Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?

FESS
Yes, Jayne Cobb. The Hero of Canton. The only
person I ever saw who stood up to my father.

INARA
I...
(flabbergasted)

FESS
My dad had him traced back to his ship. He had
Port Control put a land-lock on it. Jayne will
get back and find out that he's grounded. I sort
of hate the idea of his getting caught.

INARA
Yes, that would be bad.

INT. WORKER-TOWN - MUDDER BAR - DAY

Simon examines the gruel he was served for breakfast.

SIMON
(clears throat)
Could I just get the...the check...please...

Door opens, STITCH enters.

STITCH
Heard tell you run with Jayne Cobb.

SIMON
Excuse me?

STITCH
You going to take me to that dirty, low-down
shingle of a man?

SIMON
Listen, uh, sir... I don't know who...

STITCH grabs SIMON, lifts him out of his seat, punches him.

STITCH
Sir?! Look at me you pantywaist idiot!
(Kicks SIMON)
I just spent the last four years steaming in a
hot-box and you're Sir-ing me?
(kicks him again).
The folks say you're part of Jayne's team, so...
(picks Simon up; slams him against wall)
So, where is that no-good reptile hiding hisself?
(takes out knife; holds it to
SIMON's throat)
Tell me, boy, or I'll cut off every last bit of
them good looks!

SIMON reaches for a bottle on the ground, crashes it on STITCH's head. STITCH cuts SIMON on his forearm, knocks him back to the ground.

STITCH (cont'd)
Ohh, not done yet, young'un.
(Picks up SIMON)
That's going to cost you an eye.

MUDDERS (O.S.)
(outside chanting)
Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Jayne! Jayne!

STITCH
Come on!

STITCH drags SIMON outside the bar.

EXT. WORKER-TOWN - SQUARE - DAY

The crew of Serenity rides up on loaded four-wheel.

WASH
They love their boy.

MAL
Just drive by now, nice and slow.

MUDDERS
(chanting)
Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Jayne! Jayne!

PROD
Come on, sir. Let's just get...

FOREMAN
Magistrate says no. We hold position.
Understand me?

INT. SERENITY - CARGO BAY

MAL
Zoe, pack down the cargo. Wash, you heat
up Serenity. We're blowing this mess
inside half an hour.

WASH
Already there.

MAL
(to KAYLEE)
Let's go get our wayward babes.

EXT. WORKER-TOWN - SQUARE - DAY

MUDDERS
(chanting)
Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!
Jayne! Jayne!

Jayne walks through the crowd and stands in front of his statue.


MUDDERS
Speech! Speech!

JAYNE
Uh...I'm no good with words. Don't...don't use
'em much, myself.
(crowd chuckles)
But I want to thank you all for being here, and
for thinking so much of me... Far as I see it,
you people been given the shortest end of the
stick ever been offered a human soul in this
crap-hill 'verse....But you took that end...
well, you took it. And that's... well, I guess
that's something.

MUDDERS cheer.

KAYLEE
Wow. That didn't sound half-bad.

MAL
I'm shocked my own self.

STITCH shoots off shotgun, the crowd parts to reveal Stitch holding a beaten Simon.

JAYNE
Stitch Hessian...

STITCH
(chuckles)
Well, hey there, Jayne. Thought I'd make you
watch while I butchered me one of your boys.

JAYNE
He ain't a one of mine. Where you been hiding?
You gone and got yourself looking mighty hideous.

STITCH
(laughs)
Yeah...

FOREMAN
(to Prod)
Now Jayne gets his.

KAYLEE approaches SIMON, who is face-down on the ground.

KAYLEE
Oh, honey...

SIMON
Kaylee?

She helps him up.

STITCH
So, what's this about a "Hero of Canton?" Was I
hearing that right? Four years of lock-down
plays tricks on the ear.

JAYNE
I ain't a hero, Stitch. Just a working stiff
like you.

STITCH
(laughs)
Yep, he's right. Jayne is. We used to work
together, he and I.
(pulls gun on MAL, who has been approaching)
Now why don't you just let ol' Stitch speak his piece?

MAL
Go on, then.

STITCH
Whole lot of money in a Magistrate's safe, weren't
there, Jayne? Got away clean, too! But then our
plane took a hit, and we're going down. We dumped
the fuel reserve, dumped the life support, hell,
we even dumped the seats! The, there's Jayne, the
money, and me. And there was no way he was going
to drop that money.

MUDDER MAN
He did. He dropped it on the Mudders.

STITCH
By accident, you in-bred dung-head! He tossed me
out first! For six months, we run together, he
turned me out before I could scream!

JAYNE
You'd have done the same.

STITCH
No, never. You protect the man you're with. You
watch his back. Everybody knows that! Well,
except the Hero of Canton.

JAYNE
You gonna talk me to death, buddy?
Is that the plan?

STITCH
This is the plan.

STITCH aims his gun, fires at JAYNE. The MUDDER MAN who has been shadowing Jayne the whole episode dives between JAYNE and the bullet. Crowd screams.

 

Act 4
Just keep walking, preacherman.

EXT. WORKER-TOWN - SQUARE - DAY

The MUDDER MAN lies dead in front of JAYNE. JAYNE throws his knife at STITCH, then charges him. They fight. JAYNE slams STITCH into the ground. Crowd watches. JAYNE notices the MUDDER MAN on the ground.

JAYNE
Get up...get up, you stupid piece of...
(rolls MUDDER over; he's dead)
What did you do that for? What's wrong with you?
Didn't you hear a word he said?

MUDDER BOY approaches STITCH's body, removes JAYNE's knife.

JAYNE (cont'd)
All of you! You think there's someone just going to
drop money on you?! Money they could use?! Well,
there ain't people like that. There's just people
like me.

BOY approaches JAYNE, presents knife. JAYNE slaps knife out of BOY's hands. Turns, goes to Jayne statue, topples it.

EXT. PLANET - SERENITY AIRLOCK

Crew boards ship, KAYLEE helping SIMON walk, JAYNE's hands bloody.

MAL
(on comm)
Wash, we're on. Get us the hell off of
this mud ball.

WASH
Uh, yeah, I'm working on it.

INT. SERENITY - BRIDGE

Wash is frantically pushing buttons, trying to get the ship started. He sees the ship is land-locked on a small display.

WASH
(Chinese)
[Goo yong jong dun goo yang.]

INARA
(entering)
Hello, Wash. Has there been a problem
with takeoff?

WASH
Is there a problem! Is there a problem?!?
(sees "Land-Lock released" on screen)
No. We're fine.

INARA smiles.

INT. MAGISTRATE HIGGINS'S HOUSE

HIGGINS
You did what?!?

FESS
I sent an override to Port Control. Lifted
the land-lock on Serenity.

HIGGINS
I ought to wipe that smile off your head.
How dare you defy me?

FESS
You wanted to make a man out of me, Dad.
I guess it worked.

EXT. PLANET

Shot of SERENITY lifting off and entering atmo.

INT. SERENITY - CATWALK

JAYNE leans on the catwalk railing, looking at the knife he used to kill Stitch.

INT. SERENITY - KITCHEN AREA

RIVER is looking at Bible, BOOK approaches.

RIVER
Just keep walking, preacher-man.

INT. SERENITY - SIMON'S ROOM

Kaylee is patching up the good doctor.

KAYLEE
You got to be steely. You can't be letting
men stomp on you so much

SIMON
It wasn't exactly a plan...

KAYLEE
You ain't weak. You couldn't beat them
back? Or would that not be appropriate?

SIMON
You're never letting go of that, are you?

KAYLEE
Well, you confound me some, is all. I mean,
you like me well enough, and we get along...
and then you go all stiff.

SIMON
(stiffens)
I'm, I'm not, um, I didn't...

KAYLEE
See! You're doing it right now! What's so damn
important about being proper? It don't mean
nothing out here in the black.

SIMON
It means more out here. It's all I have.
I mean... My way of being polite, or however
it's...well, it's the only way I have of showing
you that I like you. I'm showing respect.

KAYLEE
So, when we made love last night...

SIMON
When we WHAT?

KAYLEE
You really are such an easy mark.

INT. SERENITY - CATWALK

Mal joins Jayne on the catwalk, leaning on the railing.

JAYNE
Don't make no sense. What...Why the hell did
that Mudder have to go and do that for, Mal?
Jumping in front of that shotgun blast. Hell,
there weren't a one of them understood what
happened out there. They're probably sticking
that statue right back up.

MAL
Most like.

JAYNE
I don't know why that eats at me so.

MAL
It's my estimation that...every man ever got a
statue made of him, was one kind of sumbitch or
another. Ain't about you, Jayne. About
what they need.

JAYNE
Don't make no sense.

BLACK OUT.